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A Beginner’s Guide to the Ceremonial First Pitch

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Fret not, local entrepreneurs and B-List celebrities. Take solace, returning soldiers, politicians and hot women. Yes, your local baseball team will demand you throw a Ceremonial First Pitch (CFP). No, there’s no need to brown your Depends. Follow the hyperlinks of our DOs & DONTs to keep your political aspirations/half-celebrity/overall hotness/adult undergarments unblemished.

DO: RESPECT THE GAME

Watch how Bill Nye the Science Guy steps over the chalk en route to the Seattle Mariners’ mound. The Baseball Gods, pleased by this homage, endow Nye with a CFP to make King Felix proud. If you squint, you’ll think you’re watching (a younger) Jamie Moyer.

DON’T: DISRESPECT THE GAME

I could give a hoot less what you think of Obamacare but Barack ...


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